I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 5 years. Needless to say we have surely had many instances with disagreements, as I am sure most couple have. In the beginning it was rough learning one another but, now after some years and us moving in together the disagreements do not happen as often and do not escalate like they use to. Most recently, we got into a disagreement (I prefer not to get into details) and we both ended up talking loudly and aggressively toward one another. In the past I have had problems keeping the focus on the issue, frequently bringing in other issues that honestly may or may not be related. I have learned that is NOT a good idea so when in the midst of conflict I focus really hard on listening and not quickly responding (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 239). Over the past few months I have learned a few strategies that have really helped maintain calmness and respect for one another during these times:
1. I try to state my feelings and needs as clearly as possible and then I ask for him to repeat what I said so that I can confirm we both have the same clear understanding (The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/)
2. I ask questions that must be answered specifically. I avoide yes/ no questions to gain a better understanding of his position (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p.240).
3. I try to compromise as often as possible. Specifically when I need something done I ask "when will you do it by?" so that I dont get upset when its not done when I think it should have been done and he also maintains power in that he has control over when he wants to do it (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012, p. 241, 244).
All three of these strategies have really helped the communication between the both of us and aided in the creation of a safe, respectful environment were we both feel comfortable address difficult issues. What types of strategies have you all found that have worked to increase your communication with your spouse, partner, or person you interact with frequently?
References
O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/
I enjoyed reading how you used this class to foster healthy communication between you and your boyfriend. Have you shown him some of the communication skills you learned or are you trying to lead the communication by example? I bet these skills would help him as well.
ReplyDeleteTalibah, I enjoyed reading your blog post this week. You have chosen some great strategies to help resolve conflicts. All relationships are based on communication. It is important to defuse any type of conflict so it does not affect the relationship.
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